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How to increase and sustain Love according to Islam
If you ask me why do I blog? I'll tell you that, since I have this blog I been learning more than what I had ever imagined , this blog has been a link between amazing people,places,friends,etc, and me,it has helped me to discover that I can create beautiful things and enjoy with it,one of that things is my Shop which I called Muslim Elegance in honor to the elegance of a Muslim Woman in this case on her wedding day, this has guide me to a new research of information about couple's relationships according to Islam and Hadiths of the Prophet which has helped me a lot.
Today I had the kind visit to my FaceBook Shop of a Non-Muslim Woman explaining me how the Arabic class in her school gives to her peace on her mind, and she asked if the Prophet speak of communication within marriage or only reaction to behavior?.
The Prophet (PBUH) give us examples not only of this but also about communication,caring,understanding,validation, Devotion,and Reassurance between couples,just to mention some.
Muslims view marriage as the foundation of society and family life. In a practical aspect, Islamic marriage is thus structured through legally-enforceable rights and duties of both parties. In an atmosphere of love and respect, these rights and duties provide a framework for the balance of family life and the fulfillment of both partners.
Today I had the kind visit to my FaceBook Shop of a Non-Muslim Woman explaining me how the Arabic class in her school gives to her peace on her mind, and she asked if the Prophet speak of communication within marriage or only reaction to behavior?.
The Prophet (PBUH) give us examples not only of this but also about communication,caring,understanding,validation, Devotion,and Reassurance between couples,just to mention some.Muslims view marriage as the foundation of society and family life. In a practical aspect, Islamic marriage is thus structured through legally-enforceable rights and duties of both parties. In an atmosphere of love and respect, these rights and duties provide a framework for the balance of family life and the fulfillment of both partners.
"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among
yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and
mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect."
(Qur'an 30:21)
In the Qur'an, the marriage relationship is described as one with "tranquility," "love" and "mercy." Elsewhere in the Qur'an, husband and wife are described as "garments" for each other (2:187). Garments offer protection, comfort, modesty, and warmth. Above all, the Qur'an describes that the best garment is the "garment of God-consciousness" (7:26).
In this case because who is asking me is a woman I'll mention first some hadiths and examples of every day situations between couples focused on how a woman must be treated for her husband in certain cases and vice versa,according the Examples and hadiths of the Prophet (PBUH).
The beneficial insight will only increase and sustain LOVE between lovers in Islam. The information is valuable for all whether married or not.
Love needs of women. If you fulfil these needs, the bonds of love will only strengthen.
Caring:
Hadith in Sahih Al-Bukhari
Anas ibn Malik narrates, "I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the camel)."
when a husband shows interest in his wife's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels *cared for*.
Understanding
When the husband listens without judgement but with empathy and relatedness to his wife expressing her feelings, she feels heard and *understood*. Don't presume to already know your wife's thoughts or feelings when she is trying to communicate them to you. Instead, gather meaning from what is being said.
Example: If your wife is talking about the frustrations of the day how unbearably long the line was at the supermarket, just listen to her and when she's finished, say, "Wow, that must have really tried your patience!" Show her that you understand her feelings and can relate to her experience. Don't say, "Ummm... You should have just used the self-checkout." Instead, just listen and show you understand without offering solutions. Later on, when she's not venting, you can suggest that she try the self checkout.
Respect
When the husband responds to his wife in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels *respected*. Physical expressions of respect like flowers, gifts, keeping her likes/dislikes in mind, and showing your appreciation are essential.
Example: Make an effort to look good for her. Give her gifts - they don't have to be big or expensive. Always show her appreciation for even the little things she does.
Validation
When the husband does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants, but instead accepts and confirms their *validity*, she feels loved. Confirm her right to feel the way she does. (You can confirm her point of view even if you have a different point of view).
Example:
Once during a journey, Safiyyah (radi Allahu 'anha) was crying because she had been made to ride a slow camel. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) didn't tell her she was being unreasonable. Instead, he wiped her tears, comforted her, and even tried to find her another camel.
Devotion
When the husband gives priority to the wife's needs and commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, she feels adored and special. When she is more important to him than work, television, etc., then she feels his *devotion*.
Example: Look at her when she talks to you. Don't be afraid to show your devotion. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) openly stated his love for his wives.
The beneficial insight will only increase and sustain LOVE between lovers in Islam. The information is valuable for all whether married or not.
Love needs of women. If you fulfil these needs, the bonds of love will only strengthen.
Caring:
Hadith in Sahih Al-Bukhari
Anas ibn Malik narrates, "I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the camel)."
when a husband shows interest in his wife's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels *cared for*.
Understanding
When the husband listens without judgement but with empathy and relatedness to his wife expressing her feelings, she feels heard and *understood*. Don't presume to already know your wife's thoughts or feelings when she is trying to communicate them to you. Instead, gather meaning from what is being said.
Example: If your wife is talking about the frustrations of the day how unbearably long the line was at the supermarket, just listen to her and when she's finished, say, "Wow, that must have really tried your patience!" Show her that you understand her feelings and can relate to her experience. Don't say, "Ummm... You should have just used the self-checkout." Instead, just listen and show you understand without offering solutions. Later on, when she's not venting, you can suggest that she try the self checkout.
Respect
When the husband responds to his wife in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels *respected*. Physical expressions of respect like flowers, gifts, keeping her likes/dislikes in mind, and showing your appreciation are essential.
Example: Make an effort to look good for her. Give her gifts - they don't have to be big or expensive. Always show her appreciation for even the little things she does.
Validation
When the husband does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants, but instead accepts and confirms their *validity*, she feels loved. Confirm her right to feel the way she does. (You can confirm her point of view even if you have a different point of view).
Example:
Once during a journey, Safiyyah (radi Allahu 'anha) was crying because she had been made to ride a slow camel. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) didn't tell her she was being unreasonable. Instead, he wiped her tears, comforted her, and even tried to find her another camel.
Devotion
When the husband gives priority to the wife's needs and commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, she feels adored and special. When she is more important to him than work, television, etc., then she feels his *devotion*.
Example: Look at her when she talks to you. Don't be afraid to show your devotion. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) openly stated his love for his wives.
Reassurance
To repeatedly do all of the above *reassures* the wife that she is continually loved. The husband must reassure his wife of his love again and again.
Example: Give her a hug and say "I love you" 4 times a day at least.
For the woman
Love needs of a man:
Trust
When the wife's attitude is open and receptive toward her husband, he feels *trusted*. To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his wife. This positive belief should be reflected by the wife's interactions with her husband.
Example: The husband is trying to fix the kitchen sink. As he struggles with the wrench, the wife looks on and says, "Maybe you should call a plumber..." The husband feels crushed because he thinks she doesn't trust him to do what's best for them. Instead, the wife should refrain from giving unsolicited advice (except Islamic advice, of course).
Encouragement
Hadith in Sahih Al-Bukhari
When the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) received the first revelation from Allah, he was terrified and sought comfort with his wife Khadija. He said, "I fear that something may happen to me." Khadija replied, "Never! But have the glad tidings, for by Allah, Allah will never disgrace you as you keep good relations with your kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, serve your guest generously and assist the deserving, calamity-afflicted ones."
When the wife expresses confidence in her husband's abilities and character, it fills him with hope and courage and he feels *encouraged*.
Admiration
This was narrated in Dala'el Al-Nubuwa for Imam Abu Nu'aim with isnad including Imam Bukhari and Imam Ibn Khuzaina.
Once the prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) was sitting in a room with Aisha and fixing his shoes. It was very warm, and Aisha looked to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. She became overwhelmed by the majesty of that sight was staring at him long enough for him to notice. He said, "What's the matter?" She replied, "If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he would know that his poem was written for you." The Prophet (sallaAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam) asked, "What did he say?" She replied, "Abu Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see." So the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, "Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and more."
When the wife views the husband with wonder, delight, and pleased approval, the husband feels *admired*. Telling him what to do as if he were a child does not make him feel admired. Admiration is when the wife is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents like humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, etc.
Approval
When the wife acknowledges the goodness in her husband and expresses overall satisfaction with him, the husband receives the *approval* he needs. An approving attitude looks for the good reasons behind what the husband does (even if she doesn't agree with the act itself). Every man wants to be his wife's hero. The sign that he's achieved that is his wife's approval.
Example: If the wife expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like, "How could you do that?" he feels she has taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.
Appreciation
When the wife acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from her husband's efforts and behaviour, he feels *appreciated*. When a man is appreciated, he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more.
Example: Acknowledge what your husband has done for you instead of just complaining about what he has not done. If he doesn't hear your appreciation, he won't continue his efforts.
Acceptance
When the wife lovingly receives her husband without trying to change him, he feels *accepted*. This accepting attitude does not mean that she believes he is perfect, but it indicates that she is not trying to improve him and that she trusts him to make his own improvements.
Example: Don't nag him about his bad habits or try to control his behaviour by sharing upset or negative feelings. Sharing feelings is ok, but not when used to punish or manipulate.
To repeatedly do all of the above *reassures* the wife that she is continually loved. The husband must reassure his wife of his love again and again.
Example: Give her a hug and say "I love you" 4 times a day at least.
For the woman
Love needs of a man:
Trust
When the wife's attitude is open and receptive toward her husband, he feels *trusted*. To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his wife. This positive belief should be reflected by the wife's interactions with her husband.
Example: The husband is trying to fix the kitchen sink. As he struggles with the wrench, the wife looks on and says, "Maybe you should call a plumber..." The husband feels crushed because he thinks she doesn't trust him to do what's best for them. Instead, the wife should refrain from giving unsolicited advice (except Islamic advice, of course).
Encouragement
Hadith in Sahih Al-Bukhari
When the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) received the first revelation from Allah, he was terrified and sought comfort with his wife Khadija. He said, "I fear that something may happen to me." Khadija replied, "Never! But have the glad tidings, for by Allah, Allah will never disgrace you as you keep good relations with your kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, serve your guest generously and assist the deserving, calamity-afflicted ones."
When the wife expresses confidence in her husband's abilities and character, it fills him with hope and courage and he feels *encouraged*.
Admiration
This was narrated in Dala'el Al-Nubuwa for Imam Abu Nu'aim with isnad including Imam Bukhari and Imam Ibn Khuzaina.
Once the prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) was sitting in a room with Aisha and fixing his shoes. It was very warm, and Aisha looked to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. She became overwhelmed by the majesty of that sight was staring at him long enough for him to notice. He said, "What's the matter?" She replied, "If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he would know that his poem was written for you." The Prophet (sallaAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam) asked, "What did he say?" She replied, "Abu Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see." So the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, "Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and more."
When the wife views the husband with wonder, delight, and pleased approval, the husband feels *admired*. Telling him what to do as if he were a child does not make him feel admired. Admiration is when the wife is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents like humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, etc.
Approval
When the wife acknowledges the goodness in her husband and expresses overall satisfaction with him, the husband receives the *approval* he needs. An approving attitude looks for the good reasons behind what the husband does (even if she doesn't agree with the act itself). Every man wants to be his wife's hero. The sign that he's achieved that is his wife's approval.
Example: If the wife expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like, "How could you do that?" he feels she has taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.
Appreciation
When the wife acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from her husband's efforts and behaviour, he feels *appreciated*. When a man is appreciated, he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more.
Example: Acknowledge what your husband has done for you instead of just complaining about what he has not done. If he doesn't hear your appreciation, he won't continue his efforts.
Acceptance
When the wife lovingly receives her husband without trying to change him, he feels *accepted*. This accepting attitude does not mean that she believes he is perfect, but it indicates that she is not trying to improve him and that she trusts him to make his own improvements.
Example: Don't nag him about his bad habits or try to control his behaviour by sharing upset or negative feelings. Sharing feelings is ok, but not when used to punish or manipulate.
Sources :
Islam.about.com
Islam.about.com
you may like to read Islamic Foundations for a happy marriage
